


My Life

by ComingUndone



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:25:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComingUndone/pseuds/ComingUndone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snippets of life from Derek & Emily</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I look in the mirror through the dewy water vapor from the scalding shower I just stepped out of wondering how I had gotten to this point. Here I stand a 45 year old woman who's suppose to be at the top of her game…..for all intense purposes I am except for those two little lines that appeared before my eyes earlier.

It has been exactly 43 days since I left his bed and those arms of a man I have done nothing but take for granted all of these years, we do this every couple of years we somehow find each other again whether it be for a few stolen moments or a weekend visit which only reaffirm how many miles really tears us apart.

I know I should really call him, I need to just see where his head is at in this whole thing…..I guess what I really want to know is if this is what he wants, who am I kidding I know this is what he wants….but does he want this with me? 

He asks me to stay once again…to please not leave him again! That was 72 days ago, 72 days in which I have found out what I want and need are comparably different now then what they where the first time he asked me to please stay.

This morning as I got out of the shower I could see that I am not going to be able to conceal you for much longer, you’re my little miracle, you're all that's right in this world, & you're the one special blessing that brought me home to your daddy for good 3 days ago!

"I need you....because you make me laugh more than anyone else, I'm the best me when I'm with you, & when you're gone nothing feels right until you return!"


	2. Chapter 2

She doesn't know it, but she's my whole life….I would die for her. I never really realized how much until I truly thought she was lost forever. Even though I spent 7 months in utter hell mourning what I truly never had, only wishing I had told her. 

She lets me hold her like my life depend’s on it for brief moments in time….the brief moments have become less over the years, especially since the miles between our hearts are split across an entire ocean. I tell her how much I love her without reason as a worship having her in my arms, until she will not let me anymore! 

I always ask her to stay everytime, but as soon as the words are said I see the veil of compartmentailzation appear and I know I have to let her go because she will walk away like she always does….she will whisper “I love you” to me when she thinks I am asleep & I know in the morning she will be gone once again.

I never really pick up the pieces after she is gone, all I really can do is long for the next time our hearts meet….and show her once again what she truly means to me! 

“His love for her roared louder than her demons.”


	3. Chapter 3

I always had a feeling that there was a great more deal between those two, but as I dance the night away with my husband and friends I am even more sure they are a hidden love story that's been in the making for a very long time! 

I ran from commitment for so long or wouldn't acknowledge it until I almost lost my true love….so I believe that was the turning point for two of my best friends…no they are family! She had to die and come back from the dead for the two of them to finally realize how much they really meant to each other.

I know we all have our moments that life just gets to be way too much and we feel we just have to escape….I know I did when I left the state department to come back to the BAU, so I guess that's why she feels the need to escape to London….away from what she feels or who is going to hurt her! 

I miss her friendship so very much, but when she came to help save me from uncertainty I knew then that even an ocean could never put a dent in our friendship. However that night at the bar with my family and new friends as well I realized I was not the only one missing her….the vast space between two bodies had done more damage to them, more than they would ever admit! 

I will always remember my wedding day as one of the best moments of my life….I so thought I would be sharing that feeling with two of my best friends on there wedding day one day like they did mine, however as I sit here watching one of my best friends marry a woman who is not one of my best friends and I finally understand true heartbreak! 

“You cannot save people, you can only love them!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter will be a prospective by different people, every chapter will be different and no continuing story line.

I am the last one to say how love should be or even an expert on relationships, but after 3 failed marriages and countless liaisons I figure I know what it looks like when two people care as deeply as those two do rather it be love or a love story in the making!

Over the years she has become the daughter I never had, that being said she still holds her cards close to the vest making sure no one truly gets in. However with him she let him in a completely different way then she did with the rest of us….no I do not hold that against her, except for the factor now she's far from that person I first met.

He has kept himself closed off more so since she left, I know what he's trying to do….lord knows I have done it for years! When I was hurt I would bury my head into work or another conquest to replace the one who had left me drowning in heartache. 

It's been almost four years since she left us, only coming back sporadically but after today I am afraid those visit’s will stop altogether….today he married another…..today her heart broke completely! 

“So we ignore each other, and pretend the other person doesn't exist….but deep down, we both know it wasn't supposed to end like this.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such an absence, I totally intend to start these again!

* * *

* * *

I know my relationship expertise is for the most part what I have articulated from numerous articles, books, & ofc studies. However the thought and actual act of love are not completely beign to me as an human, my understanding is more of an intellectual perspective of hormones and chemical imbalances in which drive the stimulation of the act of such feelings.

I think I had always knew that their was a certain closeness between them, or higher understanding to them as a pair in how they seemed so compatible in so many ways as the years had passed while she was with us and even when she came back after the whole Doyle debacle. But it took me losing Maeve to truly understand what it was like to desire someone for other than intellectual means, to understand the lose they both felt or seem to deny when she left for London for good! 

As the years went by they both took replacements or if almost to say settled for what they thought they deserved! He chose the complete opposite of her and gladly jumped in head first without looking back. She tried for a close comparison, almost as if picking the doppelgänger from another lifetime! 

I know I am considered a genius, but it truly doesn't take one to know when one is denying what's clearly written out as if some Shakespearean tragedy! When she came back to step in for Hotch it seemed bitter sweet, he was gone and she was back as if trying to regain something she thought would still be their to save her for letting everything slip away that truly mattered. He came back to help and I do not doubt that another part of the both of them realized that life is too short, but for them this was the last goodbye.....or maybe it was just the igniting of something that has always truly been there! 

 

_"Finding love is all about timing. Psychology says that it's possible to find the right person, but at the wrong time!"_


	6. Chapter 6

My Life

~Coming Undone~

 

Chapter 6

I know that I always seem exuberant, a little over the top in eccentricity, but when it comes to matters of the heart I am a hopeless romantic! When two of your very best friends have been in love with each other for what seems like forever and they have always let that huge topic of commitment dictate their very beings, you truly start to wonder when fate or the love of all that's good will intervene for once an all! 

I myself have not always had the best luck in the love department, but I have also never truly met my soulmate except for maybe my lovely babies that help me do my job everyday! As that maybe, I have to admit that sitting here having a night out with my work lovelies or shall I say family puts some things in perspective and also what's missing. We have all had our heartaches, losses, death, pain, and most definitely infinite happiness but two very important people are missing! Although I am thankful Hotch and Jack are hidden away safely, they are missed….but what is truly missed tonight is Emily. 

I was overly excited when my chocolate God said he would be in town this week and could make it to this family dinner, without any thought of the preliminaries or what that acceptance to the invitation actually meant! I had wanted to keep his visit a secret surprise for my family until tonight, but he had ended up coming to help with a whole other situation and that's when I realized a serious flaw in the plan. The flaw in that even though life happens and we all have a chosen path, somehow love doesn't get that message. Seeing them work together this week it was like going back in time when things were so much easier and we all just kept waiting for them to make the move to admit what they truly meant to each other and live happily ever after.

Not an hour before everyone was to meet for dinner tonight, Emily messaged me to say she couldn't make it for she was called back into the office by the director. Now since I see everyone sitting here with their loved ones and children, I truly understand why she had disappeared early from work after Morgan had came from her office looking a little disheveled. Do not get me wrong Savannah is a lovely woman, but she gave him something Emily would never allow herself to ever imagine having with him or anyone! 

“What a shame that the girl who once believed in fairytales and magic had to be struck by reality with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved!”


	7. Chapter 7

My Life 

~ Coming Undone ~

Chapter 7

In my 40 plus years of life I have often wondered what it must be like to love someone so much you would die for them! Although on the opposite end of that spectrum I know what it is like to lose someone you love more than life itself, or so I thought I did. 

What I have and what I had are comparably different in the decisiveness of determining what kind of love you experience! What I had was a woman who was more wonderful than you could ever possibly imagine, even with the torment of her running from anything good that could potentially happen to her. But what I have is a woman who knows she loves me more than I could ever love her! 

What I had was a woman who wanted to give me the world at the expensive of her ownself, the potential of a family until we lost everything one night in a cold warehouse as I watched all of my hopes and dreams slowly fade away! What I have now is a family full of hope, who can see in my eyes that I am always straddling that line between a fading memory and what's living/breathing right in front of me. 

What I had was a woman who came back to me by a pure miracle, but what I realized along the way was she would never truly be mine until she found out who she was. What I have is a understanding woman who knows I falter often, who has helped me realize who I am! 

“Do you see how I love him true….it could have been you. As for you and your love for she….it could have been me. But we were a maybe, and never a must….when it should've been us!”


	8. Chapter 8

My Life 

~ Coming Undone ~

Chapter 8

Let's talk about heartache and what it really does to a person! I use this term of heartache with great regrets in my own life when I give this profile of a love that murdered its own self, to free its willing victims of a life sentence. 

The crime is the same old crime of self fulfillment that leads to coming over zealous and overlooking the essentials of the wrongs just to get it done with! Victim number one is a middle-aged female who grew up to loathe the very existence that made her who she truly is, a remarkable profiler with a heart of gold that's always willing to help! Except for one fatal flaw….she's instigates the murder, she lays out all the rules, she initiates the cruel manner in which the murder must end, and when it's all said and done she becomes the victim of circumstances that gets away with the murder without a second glance! 

The prelude to the crime is the truest of victims the one who knew better, but committed the worst crime….he loved more for her than he did for himself! Victim number two if you must asked for it in a manner of speaking, he was the transgressor who over indulged victim number one into believing she could truly love without losing herself! But unlike victim number one, victim number two walked away without so much as a second glance at what he had truly lost & he had actually gained! 

In my solitude of hiding I have had a chance to think about things I would have never thought of while trying to lead my BAU family in the right direction, hence my profile of a murderous love that claimed its willing victims into a dismay of disorganization. Plainly put I married my job and made my wife complacent, even after losing her I was still too blind to stop the tragedy that had befallen two dear friends. 

“ Find what you love and let it kill you….For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it's much better to be killed by a lover!”


	9. Chapter 9

My Life

~ Coming Undone ~

 

Chapter 9

Looking very closely at all of the details and all of the stories one would come to the very conclusion that love was the greatest crime in the tragedy of so many broken hearts within this group of extraordinary beings! When I arrived I came to replace what had been lost for way too long, but in the truth of it all you cannot replace something that you never lost….you just simply misplaced it for the moment! 

By all means I have been taught to dissect and rid one of what causes them discomfort, or make a amends with great care. However all of my training, all of my education, and all of my care could or shall I say would never cure the pain of a broken heart! 

My knowledge of the infamous “Emily Prentiss” was mediocre at the best! Although I knew the name throughout my career it was totally from a different perspective as it is now. She was and is by all means a phenomenal being, with one fatal flaw she loved more for others than she did for her ownself. I use the term of love loosely when I describe this woman because what I already knew and what I learned along this short journey with my new assignment in the BAU these past few years has been that she sacrificed more than any one being should be allowed to prove how much she truly loved! Whether it had been for the victims we rallied for or simply for the friends who turned family who so dearly cherish her no matter what.

When Reid was still in prison earlier this year and Morgan came back, I learned something very intriguing amongst how the tragedy of love had truly imprisoned two people so masterfully to become complete allies for alternative means! I had came back in the office later to retrieve some files I had forgotten long after all the goodbyes of the past few days had past when I heard heated voices of a man and a woman, I guess the better of my curiosity had gotten to me as I walked closer to the stairs leading up to the round table. To say the least I had listened for a good while of what I can concur to have been a lover’s quarrel mixed in with two broken hearts that had taken separate paths to save the others well being instead of just facing the truth in that no matter what they said or did, the fates would always lead them back together again!

Over the next couple of months I pondered on saying something to Emily about what I had seen and heard, I never meant to actually listen or watch them make love to each other on the very table I am sitting at this very moment! After the crash and with Emily still at home recovering, it’s left us all disheveled from the lose of one colleague but the happiness for another that her and her unborn child survived thus far. I have no doubt in my mind who the father of that child is, considering he has been in town on numerous occasions before the accident and he as well as the rest of us stayed vigil at the hospital until we knew she would survive! However unlike the rest of us or should I say like it was some unspoken given that the remainder of the time she was there was only meant for Morgan and her. It made sense considering the last time just like their love had been covered in lies, so had her death! 

 

“You have to die a few times before you actually live!”


End file.
